Monday, January 11:
Eva unwell again; irritation over the way the whole house meddles. I am unjust enough to show R. my irritation. Prolonged sleeplessness is my only excuse for this injustice.
He has sent off the essay on the Jews, which makes me apprehensive, yet I did not try to prevent it. Many thoughts about Boni and Loulou. A walk with the two children. Richard at work; Die Meistersinger is at last to be staged in Karlsruhe and Dresden.
He tells me after lunch that he was in a state of alarm because he did not hear me come home, and he quotes Calderon: the most terrible thing of all is happy love, for then there is fear in everything. At lunch he said the curse of his life had been poverty and marriage.
After the meal I again feel very unwell and go to lie down. Richard is finishing a page of his score; I am glad to see him restored in mood and appearance. It is only when he is out that I am beset by worry and anxiety that we shall not be left in peace; I see us abandoned to misery and malicious scorn. But once he is with me again, my evil thoughts vanish. It is for me downright agony to be separated from him, even for a single instant.
No letter from the children. Hans keeps silent, my father must now be in Germany; how alien everything to do with the world has now become to me! And I know that nobody in it has ever loved me. Eva somewhat better but still looking pale.
Good evening, my Lusch, good evening, my Boni, I miss you even in moments of the greatest happiness. Never could I do without you entirely.