Friday, May 7:
Telegram from Pasdeloup that I shall at last receive the drawing of the heralds of peace; splendid weather, the "green-gold" of spring flourishing. The children outside, I with Loldi, embroidering; she is getting better, if not yet quite recovered.
Vreneli comes to me to announce her second pregnancy, and she tells me she and her husband wish to open their business in the fall. It will cause a great upheaval in the house. After lunch R. fetches me my workbasket, sees Loldi, and becomes very despondent at the sight. His despondency becomes vehement, even harsh, because I asked him whether he was in a bad mood. I preserve silence, for what can I say? Was with the child, and at seven wandered around the garden a little by myself.
Deep sorrow. Should I not give it all up and live just for the children? Returning from town in the evening, R. says he had told himself he would still believe in his happiness if I came to meet him; now he realizes he had sinned, for I had not come. On top of that he told me that Loldi's look and her eccentric nature had caused him alarm. I listen to him calmly; afterward he reads me some more passages from Frederick II. During the night embroidered in bed. Lusch dictated to me her letter to her father.
Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, May 8-11:
Have written nothing for four days, have scarcely the strength for it, nor the time, for I wanted to get on with my embroidery. All sorts of evil omens appeared; on Sunday morning R. saw a large spider, Vreneli broke a windowpane during a night tour, Hermine dreamed of pearls, and trouble has indeed not been lacking. On Sunday Loldi had a relapse; she is still in bed and looks dreadful!
On Saturday I talk to Vreneli again about her affairs and we come to the conclusion that she should stay here a few more years. On Sunday morning a visit from Count Bassenheim, discussed many things concerning Munich.
In the evening a gloomy talk with R. about my confinement. I want it to be far away from here and in secret, for the sake of the elder children; he sees this as a humiliation for him and becomes very bitter. I can understand him and feel painfully for him, and yet it seems to me that here I have a duty in the face of which other feelings must be silenced.
On Monday morning into town to order the costumes for the heralds of peace. Spent the afternoon in deep distress at Loldi's bedside. In the evening a letter from Nuitter saying the people from Paris are coming.
On Tuesday gave the elder children their lessons and embroidered, and also looked after Loldchen, who is still ill. After lunch R. goes out for a walk; I promise to go to meet him, which I do. Since I wanted an address from a gardener concerning palm branches, I tell R. that I must go into town; this surprises him, since I otherwise find difficulty in walking, and he misunderstands the reason for this exception. Big, thundery rainstorm.
In the evening he again brings up the dismal theme we recently discussed. I am incapable of answering and can only weep. Oh, Star of Love, shine on me and illumine the heavy, dark paths for me! From outside a nice article by Mme Vallier in the Reveil and notification of honorary membership in the Berlin Academy. Tausig cables the news and begs R. "for the sake of the good cause" not to refuse it. What does Tausig call a good cause?
Wednesday, May 12:
Was up the whole night in order to get on with my embroidery, also because I am too agitated to sleep. At four o'clock heard the first bird and watched the sun rise, then wrote a greeting to R. and took it to his sitting room. To bed at five; at seven R. comes, writes something down for me, and wakes me up. Fine morning, splendid day, Loldi looking better.
From Hans a letter to Loulou that deeply depresses me. After lunch to Countess Bassenheim with Loulou for her piano lesson. In the evening R. reads me Apel's story Der Freischutz. Much affected and stimulated by it. R. is fearful of putting out the lamps. I fall into a deep sleep.
Thursday, May 13:
Woke up early, refreshed; thundery atmosphere outside. Gave the children their lessons and sat by Loldi, who is still not allowed out. Hans's mood lies heavily on my heart. My inner happiness, however, is when R. is working.
Among the letters one from Richter, whom I have invited for R.'s birthday, also a very ridiculous one to me from Leon Leroy, a friend of the deceased Gasperini. For the Wagner cause in Paris he offers a back-street journal, La France Musicale, which the King of Bavaria should purchase. How to make all these people understand that one wants nothing to do with any such things?
For R. a letter from "A German" who, delighted with the Jewish pamphlet, informs him of a new bank project, Pronothon, to be put before the King. Then a recommendation from the Genelli estate; R. writes a couple of words to Duflipp about it.
Hans writes to Loulou that he feels a great urge to go away. Long visit from Countess Bassenheim, who gives me a letter from Marie Muchanoff; she wants to come here in August! We have no use for anybody. Children, art, and a smiling May morning.