Sunday, January 17:
(Morning) Slept only a little, but woke up quite fresh. Kept thinking about the possibility of a reunion with the children very soon. Great weakness and inner misery, but fought against both, for the little ones’ and R.’s sake.
(Evening) My head feels heavy. How I should like to write to you cheerfully, so that you would read some of these pages with a smile; but cheerfulness I can only put into my actions. I do so with Loldchen and Evchen and shall do so with you when you are here. But writing down one’s thoughts conjures up all the seriousness of life. And also I am still without letters, without news of you. I can look at your portrait, which is standing on the writing desk in front of me. My good Lulu, may Heaven bless you!
This evening Richard hurt me; he, who is always such balm to my soul! When I begged him to continue with the biography, he observed that “this innocent life” could surely hold no attractions for me. Why did he say that? I do not know, for he certainly does not really think it.
Alone, by myself, I have wept unceasingly today, though I have tried to keep myself in check through attending to the little ones and constant reading. On my own I am weak. At times I feel that death cannot be far away, but I chase the thought from my mind, for I want still to live, for him and for you. You look at me with your good and trusting eyes; surely you cannot be ill, my Luschchen?
At table we talked a lot again about the drama. R. explained to me various verse meters, particularly in regard to Schiller, whose Wallenstein I am now rereading. He also feels that Wallenstein’s Lager and Die Piccolomini should be divided into three big acts, the Lager, with the arrival of the princess, of Max, and of Thekla accompanied by the dragoons, with marchlike music, at the end, forming the first act. And the banquet at Terzky’s, with the conversation between father and son at the conclusion of it, should end the whole play.
Richard is so worried about me that I do not know how to set about comforting him. It is after all my duty to keep him in good cheer. Good night, my children, it is now nearly midnight, the sacred hour. May all good angels accompany and protect you! Daniel and Blandine, bless my children!