Monday, January 28:
Herr v. Hülsen has forbidden the theater managers in Kassel, Wiesbaden, Hanover to produce anything not previously approved by him!! The German Reich!
R. feels tired. I beg him from my heart not to overwork, and all day long he says with a laugh, “I’m not permitted to compose.”
Friend Standhartner reports that Hans [Richter] has made up for his remissness and that Rheingold is a big success in Vienna, which we doubt, insofar as we have received no telegrams about it. Friend Feustel reports that he has found everything progressing well in Munich, and it therefore seems that my letter had a not unfavorable effect on the King. The proofs of the periodical have arrived, and R. is working.
So everything is nice and pleasant, but my feelings of apprehension persist. When one has been used to difficulties, one takes only a painful delight in happiness; what is happiness but complete disassociation from life and the world, a premonition of death, and indeed a longing for it? I am filled with horror at the thought of a life in which he would not be there to show me the way, to bring me salvation. Even our simple “good night,” a momentary separation, conjures up this vision and makes me shudder. Oh, this mortal life!