Paris, Nov. 17, 60. Here comes another bulletin, my Child. I'm mending — tho' the pace is very slow : the weather will not favour me a bit, but keeps throwing me back ! Still I've attended to a first affair, — I have been to the bookbinder. The pianoforte [Billow's ' vocal '] score of Tristan has at last appeared ; I had given Hartels orders to send a few copies to Zurich direct, among them one for Frau Wille ; but Lady-friend I naturally was not going to polish off like that: I bade a copy come to Paris, to be bound here after my own heart and despatched to you by my own hand. Well, it came at the very worst stage of my illness : imagine my distress ! I had to see it lying there, without the power to attend to it. But I have been to the bookbinder now. That it will turn out after my wish, alas ! I'm bound to doubt ; these people > are all so horribly devoid of ideas ! Probably I shall have to content myself with something quite ordinary, and you will have to make the best of good intentions. In any case it will take long enough before it's finished, and you'll have to reckon it as birthday-gift and Christmas-box in one! — For the rest, I feel so — dead : I can describe it no otherwise. A becalming without a puff of interest in existence ; the future productions of my latest works all dream and haze ; not a trace of wish or zeal within me ; my wretched nerves always -aching and much below par ; nothing but the moment's excitement to give my state a better look ! — And still — it goes, and go it will — but how ? God knows ! — Why on earth are there spots on the sun ? Bright weather is still the best aid. — Monday [19th] I mean to attend a rehearsal again : I must learn to be duly composed. — But, what a charming idea, your little dog ; do tell me its name ! Was that a master-stroke of friend Otto's ? — Believe me, you'll get plenty of joy from the beasty ; there is something wonderfully composing in association with dumb animals. I congratulate ! And now sincerest thanks for the kind messages that came into my sick-room : I'm worried at their having ceased for several days. Surely you are not ill yourself? Do reassure me ! — And a thousand hearty greetings to Wesendonck ; he shall hear from me soon. Good-bye, and health be with you ! Your R. W.
Richard Wagner
Source: Richard Wagner to Mathilde Wesendonck, translated by Ellis, No. 110