Paris, June 1 5, 1861. What a time it is since I wrote the most excellent Child, — and yet there were a lot of thanks to be said for the dear last letter ! — I'm living dreary, soul-less days away, have zest for nothing in the world, neither for work of any kind, nor for anything else ; scarcely can I drive myself to write the most incumbent letter ! Perhaps I might describe my state as a preservation of patience : complete uncertainty — is all that I can distantly convey! — I go out little now : disgust with everything is great. — I am simply trying to kill time, and read Gothe just as it comes ; of late, the campaign of 1 792. 'Tis a total lethargy, and the fish on dry sand is quite an apt emblem of me. Liszt and Tausig left a week ago ; I was glad to be rid of them — in my present state ! No matter who, is not the right one, and naught avails me. How strange must Liszt's occurrence in . my life appear to me ! I met him first just 20 years ago in Paris, at a time when — in the most precarious outward plight — I had already conceived a great loathing of the world in which he dangled glitteringly and dazzlingly before me ; and now, when I have to repent my driving by my fate for once towards that world again, when I am renewing the experience of my youth so thoroughly, and nothing, no pretence, no mirage, can move me any more to lift a finger up to it, — now Liszt must once again be basking in the sun there, under my very eyes ! . . .* No one knows better than himself what it is, that is to be attained there ; wherefore it will be judging him more correctly if I assume that, as his object stays denied him too, he likes to intoxicate himself now and then with a semblance ... I couldn't accompany him any-whither, and so saw little of him ; but I've promised to visit him for a week or two at Weimar, where he intends bringing out some big symphonic works. — Ah ! my child, if I had not you, my look-out would be bad ! Hold firm to that belief, and faithfully ! — And let that cover all that I could say ! — But a life I have no longer. Perhaps I shall somewhat pluck up heart again — particularly for work — when I have got away from here ; if only that can be effected soon ! — The solitary thing to rouse me is the Tristan scheme. Do think it over, how you can get Papa to pass the autumn and a portion of the winter in Vienna this time ; I'm sure it would do you good as well ! I would let you both look after me, as long as I remained there ; for I am going away alone,* and shall put up meantime at Kolatschek's. Then you could listen quietly for once to all I shall have brought to a hearing, Tristan, Lohengrin, Holländer and Tannhäuser — : it really ought to make your winter quite a homelike one again. — Well, we'll have another debate about that. — And now my best and heartiest wishes ! And all that's good and kind to Otto, the children, and the whole Green Hill, from Your Grey R. W.
Richard Wagner
Source: Richard Wagner to Mathilde Wesendonck, translated by Ellis, No. 118