[Latter part of November.*] Merely a few lines, Lady-friend, but they will tell you enough ! — I'm doing my utmost to be able — by taking the greatest possible care of myself — to attend rehearsals regularly every day ; and this is how I manage it : — At 10 o'clock I go to bed, remain sleepless as a rule for 3, 4, to 5 hours ; then arise — very weak — about 10 in the morning; after breakfast I lie down again, undertake nothing, don't write a line, read a very little ; then dress myself, go to the Ope>a— for 1 o'clock — attend a rehearsal ; come home dead-beat between 4 and 5, lie down again and try to doze ; dine at Si, then recline once more, receive nobody except the doctor — not to have to speak ; read a little, and commence afresh as above. — You will see from this, how profoundly ill my wretched nerves are. Never must I sing again ; the way I used to render whole acts from my operas, however seldom, can never be re-attempted : it is just those, always superhuman exertions, I have to pay for now. Neither of my old conducting of an orchestra can there be any further talk : — accordingly, I don't know how I am ever to get to the end of my life-task ! — Still, much is to be expected of rest, great care and graduation, and at any rate I shall improve in time. — It is like you, to have thought of approaching my poor self on the spot : yet I also think, Dame Reason's right. Wait for Tannhäuser, and perhaps not even the first performances, but until I shall already have recuperated somewhat : in a condition like my present, I can't be said to exist at all. Please seek Otto's kind opinion ! — I was delighted with what you told me of Frau Wille : I had thought as much, and am cross with her for nothing more. I really do know what she's worth, albeit she is not made for action ; often we do not need this energy, tho', but simply comprehension and good-feeling : and of what value it is, to have found that! — Greet her for me from my heart! — And sincerest love to all your family, together with the good Papa ! Weak and full of woe, but faithful aye and thankful, I remain Yours R. W.
Richard Wagner
Source: Richard Wagner to Mathilde Wesendonck, translated by Ellis, No. 111